Portrait of an Elderly Bavarian Woman with Dementia in Patches

Beerdigung means funeral in German. And, man, Mimi loves to talk about funerals. She attended them for fun, it was her hobby. But, most importantly, she thinks today is her father's funeral. He died in like, 1964, and she attended the funeral, but her mind has long forgotten that. Don't you dare wear red around her on the day of her father's funeral, she will hit your disrespectful ass. 

Niemand Kommt means No one is coming. Every day Mimi expects visitors, yet they never come. We try to tell her no one is coming by to visit but she doesn't believe us. Depending on her mood she'll say "oh, ok." or she'll straight up laugh in your stupid face because she knows for damn sure her (dead) sister Ingie is coming by, you fool. 

Tired Mimi gets these teeny tiny eyes. They aren't slits like your average mostly-closed eyes, oh no, they're perfectly round tiny butthole opening eyes. I've never seen anything like it before in my life. 

Helga is Mimi's arch nemesis, Mimi hates her guts. She's also one of Mimi's sisters. If something goes wrong, bed peed, something broken, etc, Mimi knows exactly who did it and it was that stupid cow Helga. 

Blood circulation can be a tough thing as you age. We do our best to keep Mimi as healthy as possible but often her feet look very purple. 

This is some old east Allgäu smack talk and it means 'Stupid Cow'. It's also one of Mimi's favorite insults. 

Mimi tended to the grave of her parents for many years. This may sound like a small task but, oh no, not here in Bavaria. This was an expensive and weekly job. It involved buying and planting flowers/bushes, adding new fresh expensive soil (the dark kind so people know you care), candle lighting, and so on, leading me to call her the Mayor of the Cemetery. Even now, if we're leaving for a walk with her, she asks us if we're going to the cemetery. 

Dementia really messes with the senses. Mimi can have a hard time telling if something is hot or cold. She'll often say "Hot cold!" (Heiß Kalt!) Because of this, we have to be careful with her food and only give it to her when it's cooled off a bit. Even if we explain to her something is too hot, she doesn't care. She just dives in and then yells. 

A house dragon is someone who trusts no one. She'll call the police on any visitor that stops by. She walks the dark hallways to yell at anyone she can find. She needs the lights to be off at all times. She has rules about the shades, when they must be pulled up by and when they can be drawn. She eats onion soup and collects free trash bags. She accuses everyone of stealing from her and calls the police on them. She dumps her grass in the darkness of night as well as her trash. Sometimes she gets caught and gets fined.

Mimi hates Americans, lucky me! So, I thought it would be funny to make her a patch about how much she loves her female helper.

Mimi drops a "Hau ab!" when she wants you the fuck away from her. 

Mimi hates bathing and will do or say anything to get out of it. She will often scream that the water is too hot by yelling "Hot! Hot! Hot!". We aren't psychos, we always check the water multiple times on the insides of our wrists and elbows like you would for a baby's bath. My husband runs hot, I run cold, so if the water isn't too hot for him and isn't too cold for me, we know it's just right. But, Mimi will still scream it's too hot or threaten to tell your mom. And, don't you even think about getting her hair wet! 

It's weird when you know someone poops better when they drink a cup of cold water and that they're pooping because every time they're dropping turds, they ask you for a small piece of paper. Very weird.

If Mimi doesn't give a shit what you're saying she dismisses you with a "Ja ja" and you know, she don't give a fuck. She also throws this around when she's over hearing her family talk to her on the phone and she wants to hang up.

This mens "stupid" and is used often in old east Allgäu. And, let me tell you, Mimi sees a lot of stupid. She also likes to get all deep bass-y when she says it to let you know the level of stupid you're being and how much she disapproves it.

Komm. Mimi's favorite command. She usues it when she wants you to come closer or when she wants you to shut up. She'll drop a Komm when she wants you to agree with her as well.

Mimi is the queen of ice cream, it's her favorite food. It's all she ever wants to eat. She will cry and shove away her dinner because she's way too full to eat anything and how could you think she would be hungry? After her rant though, when you ask if she wants an ice cream, well, yes, yes she does. 

Ole sloppy job Mimi used to speed through every task especially painting. Tape off, heck no! Put down plastic, heck no! She needed to touch up the paint and stain and do it ASAP. If that means dripping blobs of paint onto the floor or hardware, so be it. 

This is another excellent insult Mimi tosses around often. It means stupid goose. 

Mimi is the ultimate Salamanca Salamander. It's just a fun saying that she'll actually say if you ask her.

This means "Are you crazy!?" And, Mimi throws it often. Because everyone is crazy and that's one thing I really agree with her about.